just raw feelings.

i hate looking at my mom like this. i  can’t do anything to help, and i cant get close to her because my dad just yells at me for stuff and ugh aldskfjldk

over the course of having a tumblr. i have fallen for 3 different girls. it made me realize that they were all different. it made me realize that other than a femme, i dont really have a type for girls. the first of them, the ever so beautiful, deep profound, poet, singer, energetic, sweet and somewhat hipster, with an incredible interesting life that you’d imagine you’d see in a movie, one i’d describe as the one that got away. the second, the one that acts kind of funny, seems a bit glamorous, new york girl, one of those girls you’d see on tumblr and wonder how she exists, carefree, a bit odd, but one of those who just exude a feeling of being cool, interested in the somewhat bizarre things, all over, incredible. then there’s the last one, young, a bit naive, one with somewhat of an emo girl hair cut, minus the teasing, where it’s actually quite nice, it’s just a haircut with jagged ends and layers(the way i like hair to be), heart completely pure, but with insecurities that never seem to go away. one of those girls who believes that everything is their fault, and their are no redeeming qualities to them, but really, they’re incredible and beautiful, and as sweet as can be. you wish you could take her into your arms every night, have her snuggle into your body, kiss her on the forehead, and keep her mind at ease. you want to do everything you can for her, make her happy, protect her, but no matter what, you cant, and it physically hurts to be so far away. sometimes you think of making your way to her, but you hit reality and know it isnt that easy. you’d tear down the world for her if you could find the way to. you love her with everything you have because she’s the one that never left you when you needed her, and the one who is sure to always love you.

i just find it odd that they’re all so different, and yet, i still love them. i still find them to have amazing qualities and to be great people. i still think they’re people who, if i had a chance with, i’d try to sweep them off their  feet. i dont know about this last one though, what we’ll become, but i love her with all my heart, i just know that chances of us being together are slim.

i dont know how someone could hate someone they supposedly loved

i cant even find myself to hate someone that i’ve liked

you’re such a highschool girl and that’s what i dont like about you.

you talk about people like 24/7 and even when i dont know who you’re talking about, you still go on. and then that sort of highschool mannerism carries on to other things like facebook and tumblr. so obsessed with “like my status and i’ll…” things or who is following you or how many people are following you. its just overwhelming and annoying

i think i hate myself more and more each day

I really love Lauren. She’s incredible, and well thats really the least you could say about her. I remember when I really liked her she was everything I could ever want in a person, and well she still is, but it’s different now. I’m really glad we’re friends. I actually consider her one of my best friends. It feels nice to say that word and actually mean it because i feel like my other friends have been shitty lately. What’s great is she cares about me like i care about her. I realized that when she said “Hey. I care about you just as much as you care about me. Let me in.” And you know, I’ve never really had anyone say that to me. Before, I used to spill every little thing to anyone who would listen, but now when people ask, i brush them off, tell them nothings wrong or I’m fine, and thats where it ends. But no, with Lauren, she’s adamant. When she knows I’m upset she doesnt give up, and she wants me to let her in. I feel like I’ve never had anyone who’s wanted to know what’s happening so much that they actually told me. i dont know. The whole, “let me in” phrase seems to resonate with me. She’ll always be that one person that i will always care about, and she’ll always seem like the one that got away. but you know i’m okay with that. i feel like i’m a bit childish for her and she has bigger and better things to do than waste her time with me

i wish i could protect her

i still feel like i can’t find myself

i still feel lost

there’s just kind of nothing

no motivation no nothing

i’m all over the place right now

i’m happy because of her

but god my self esteem is at an all time low

and i feel more alone today than yesterday

the depression is back

it just hurts

lately i’ve wanted to cry all the time

it sucks because i just cant deal with anyone. i can’t help them because i’m too busy feeling tired for myself. its pathetic